:: A Vagrant's Story ::

:: Tuesday, September 16, 2003 ::

[Mood: Totally and utterly destroyed. Mind, body, soul, heart---everything. ]

[Music: World So Cold- Mudvayne]
(It's playing on the side. Just let it load and click play)

Running...just running...

...You'll never know what a fire is until you find love.
....You'll never know what pain really is until your heart has been shattered.

I ran today. I just ran. I just dropped my stuff and ran.
It's amazing how much energy a person's passion can give them.
I sprinted 5 city blocks without stopping.
...I kept going...

Heh...he actually did it. He asked the girl out.
They held hands...and I......I ran.
I ran until my heart felt like it was going to explode.
I ran until I would collapse.

When I got picked up.
As soon as I got out,
I ran from Monroe Highschool to CSUN and back.
I couldn't feel my legs, my eyes were watery, the ache in my heart
was replaced by pain in my chest. I couldn't breathe....I didn't give a shit....
My whole being screamed at me to stop.
But my mind...it just kept on saying:
"Just keep running Kevin. Please run. Just run. It's all you have left. Just run...please..."
So I ran.

I cried. I cried as I ran. I was tripping over myself. My legs almost gave way
a couple of times. But I kept going.
It was all I could do.

It's ironic that I had this dream the
night before.

I'm at my desk....I feel so dead. My arms and legs don't work well. They ache. And I can feel
the physical pain being replaced with my fire again....my fire inside...
I'm burning myself down....I need to run...

....It's the circumstances of a world so cold...

Mudvayne-World So Cold

When passion's lost and all the trust is gone,
Way too far, for way too long
Children crying, cast out and neglected,
Only in a world so cold, only in a world this cold
Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes,
Then watch them drift away
Some might say, we've done the wrong things,
For way too long, for way too long

Fever inside the storm,
So I'm turning away,
Away from the name
(calling your names)
Away from the stones
(throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns
'Cause I'm running away,
Away from the games
(fucking head games)
Away from the space
(hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Burning whispers, remind me of the days,
I was left alone, in a world this cold
Guilty of the same things, provoked by the cause,
I've left alone, in a world so cold
Fever inside the storm,
So I'm turning away,
Away from the name
(calling your names)
Away from the stones
(throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns,
'Cause I'm running away,
Away from the games
(fucking head games)
Away from the space
(hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I'm flying, I'm flying away,
Away from the names
(calling your names)
Away from the games
(fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Why does everyone feel like my enemy,
Don't want any part of depression or darkness, I've had enough,
Sick and tired, bring the sun, or I'm gone, or I'm gone

I'm backing out, I'm no pawn,
No mother-fucking slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about anything,

Backing out, giving up, no mother-fucking slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about anything,

I need to find a darkened corner,
A lightless corner,
Where it's safer and calmer,

I'm turning away,
Away from the name
(calling your names)
Away from the stones
(throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

I'm running away,
Away from the games
(fucking head games)
Away from the space
(hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I'm flying, I'm flying away,
Away from the names
(calling your names)
Away from the games
(fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold.

:: Kevin 6:54 PM [+] ::
...

[Mood: Kinda...dead... with something eating you from inside out... ]

[Music: Carnival- The Pillows]

Life is a Carnival...

...and I just fell off the ferris wheel....

Well, not much today.
I kinda wandered around like I always do.
I saw the girl in my dream
today....
I wanted to say hi and just talk or something,
but I think she's annoyed at me.
I used to say hi all the time, but she never said hi to me before.
I took it that she just wants nothing to do with me anymore.
So, I decided not to bother her anymore.

Kinda funny, isn't it?
I never wanted to lose our friendship since we first met.
It happened anyways. Why? I dunno....you tell me.
There's something about people and them not telling me things
and then expecting me to read their minds about it. Then they get all
mad at me because I get it wrong(how was I suppose to know?) and they refuse to talk
about it because they decide that they hate me now.
They won't even give me a chance to fix it, tell my
side of the story, or anything.
I even get this from my own parents.

I yearn for the days where we used to take walk for no reason and just talk.
...kinda depressing, no?

Anyways, I have a feeling that my Physics lab group hates me.
I dunno. Just a bad vibe I guess.
Whatever...
Back to work.

:: Kevin 9:52 PM [+] ::
...

[Mood: Melancholy ]

[Music: Bring me to Life- Evanescence]
(It's in the music console on the side. Click play to hear it.)

Still Burning Myself Down...

(No, not one of the special posts. I'll let you know when it starts.)

Today, started off well, I suppose.
I felt energetic.

I went salsa dancing again. But for some reason, I didn't feel
as energized anymore. I wasn't as hyped.
It was that, and the people I danced with are so fricken rude, moody.
touchy, and irrational.
Isn't there someone nice I can dance with?
Or at least someone who actually wants to have
a good time?
I suppose anything from me is too much to ask for.

So I come back home. I start doing my
calc homework. ...I get distracted and let my mind wander
at times. My mind wandered to football.
I missed the first Granada football game.
I'm thinking of the homecoming game and the dance.
Hmm...anyone want to come to the dance with me? ^_^
It sounds intresting.
I'll be happy to teach you some dancing if you don't know how to.
(Hey, I know more than just salsa, you know. ^_^)
We'll have a grand ol' time.

You might be wondering, "so, why are you melancholy? You sure
don't sound like it."
Well, like I said, my mind wanders. It wanders to
no end about everything, and nothing, all at once.
I start thinking about future goals and dreams that
seem all so impossible. The futility of it all...

That, and, I realized that I'm losing people...
One by one... I don't know why. I don't know how.
All I know is that it's been happening most of my life.
I should be used to it by now, but I'm not.

In other mattters, yes, I have made a
another blog.
It's a log of significant, weird, intresting, dreams that
I have...if I have them. Feel free to comment on the tag board there.
There is also music there too. There's a permanent link on the left under the recommended section to the blog.

Well, I'll leave you all with the lyrics of the song today.

Evanescence- "Bring Me To Life"
(feat. Paul McCoy)

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

:: Kevin 3:47 PM [+] ::
...